By: Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Number of Pages: 273
Originally published in: 2011
"What a difference it would make if they could consciously work toward becoming more secure in their attachment styles instead of letting life sway them every which way!" (pg.6)
Attachment theory suggests three different types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Categories are designated to reflect a person's perspective on intimacy. A securely attached person is comfortable with intimacy; an anxiously attached person craves intimacy and is skeptical about the level of intimacy from their partners; an avoidantly attached person is uncomfortable with intimacy and sees attachment as a limitation on his/her independence.
There are multiple factors behind why a person adopts a specific attachment style. A parent's behavior, life experiences, place, and conditions in which he/she grew up are significant elements that shape the way a person sees relationships.
Understanding the attachment theory will be beneficial in comprehending the other person's behavior. Moreover, it will help you to choose the right romantic and non-romantic partners. Attachment theory offers you information to predict the behavior of a partner, based on how they approach relationships now.
Nowadays, the ideal person with a strong sense of self is said to be someone who does not depend on others to be happy. According to this view, one must protect their peace of mind at all costs- even if it means to distance yourself from your partner. Authors reject such a perspective, mainly because our biology does not support it. Studies show that when two people are intimately bonded, they become "one psychological unit" (pg. 26). One partner's physiological and physical state affects the others'. So, it is highly unlikely to keep such a barrier of independence between ourselves and our partners.
Unlike the suggestions of modern thinking, authors claim that to be happy we must depend on trustable figures whom we share a strong bond with. Paradoxically, we can't truly be independent unless we have someone who we can depend on. The more partners depend on each other, the more they can go out and explore and the more independent they are.
The Strange Situation Test was an experiment that proved the accuracy of such a perspective. In the experiment, they observed that when a child has a secure base, in this case, the mother, to rely on, it can perform better in activities. When the mother leaves, the child no longer is interested in the activity, it begins to turn its attention to searching for its mom, a dependable figure. Thus, one needs to have secure attachments whom they can be vulnerable with and trust, to confidently and comfortably go out and explore. If the person does not have someone to depend on, they will not be truly independent.
Avoidant & Anxious Attachments
Keeping Love at Arm's Length: The Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidantly attached individuals use deactivating strategies to emotionally keep their loved ones at a distance. Even in the most intimate of relationships, avoidants will maintain an escape route and a lot of the time will not commit to the relationship entirely. Avoidants feel uncomfortable asking for help and showing intimacy- things that are essential to creating close relationships.
Authors argue that such an individual will be in a constant search for "the one" partner or friend who can be perfect for them. Sometimes they reminisce about their past relationships long after they have lost the person (the phantom-ex phenomenon). Other times, they are in a vicious cycle of moving from one date to the next, in hopes that they find someone that they will be comfortable being 100% with. However, often, it is not the inadequacy of their current partner, it is their unhealthy attachment styles that jeopardize the relationship.
If you are an avoidantly attached person here is what you can do:
1) Learn to identify deactivating strategies: stop and think before you go ahead with deactivating strategies, remember that you have "a lot to lose by pushing him or her away"
2) De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support: it will counter the dependency paradox
3) Find a secure partner: an anxiously attached person will fuel your avoidance so don't choose them as a partner
4) Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors
5) Make a relationship gratitude list: notice the positive in your partner's actions
6) Nix the phantom ex: when you are idolizing an ex remind yourself that they are no longer a viable option
7) Forget about "the one"
8) Adopt the distraction strategy: Use distractions to deepen your bond with people, like going hiking or cooking together
Living With a 6th sense for Danger: the Anxious Attachment Style
People who have an anxious attachment style have a "super sensitive attachment system'. They can easily be triggered and feel that the relationship is under threat. Anxiously attached individuals will put their partner on a pedestal, overestimating their partner's qualities while underestimating theirs. They believe that their current relationship is the only suitable option for them and that they won’t be compatible with anyone else. These thoughts and feelings are considered to be activating strategies an anxious person experiences.
When anxious person does not receive back necessary care from their partner, they will attempt protest behavior, actions aimed at “reestablishing contact” with them. Protest behavior can be anything from keeping a score of how many times each person calls or texts, to showing passive transgression by being silent and ignoring their partner.
If you are an anxiously attached person here is what you can do:
1) Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs: understand that your needs on intimacy, availability, and security are legitimate and assess people with the ability to meet those needs
2) Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects early on
3) Know and express your feelings and needs; don't mask the discontent
4) Abundance philosophy: there are many alternatives- you can evaluate your partners more objectively
5) Give secure people a chance: you want intimacy, closeness, reassurance, and consistency- everything you can find in a secure relationship
personal rating of the book: 8/10