Hold Me Tight
- Nihan Iscan
- Nov 30
- 3 min read
Author: Dr. Sue Johnson
Page Number: 277
Publication Date: 2008
Dr. Sue Johnson was a British psychologist who founded Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a technique that has shown amazingly positive results for struggling couples. The basis of Emotionally Focused Therapy centers on one main factor: our most essential, wired-in need—the need for a reliable emotional connection and comfort in our partners. EFT doesn’t focus on teaching couples how to argue or communicate better, nor does it analyze early childhood. Instead, it helps partners “recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and depend on your partner in much the same way that a child depends on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection” (pg. 7).
In the book, Dr. Johnson discusses the growing loneliness epidemic. We are more lonely than ever before, and whether we acknowledge it or not, loneliness has immense negative effects on our happiness, health, and well-being. According to Dr. Johnson, “we need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy—to survive.”
A wealth of evidence shows just how harmful chronic loneliness can be. Strong emotional attachments make us more resilient in the face of life’s challenges. As one quote puts it, “suffering is a given; suffering alone is intolerable.” On page 24, Dr. Johnson shares that in the concentration camps of World War II, the unit of survival was often the pair, not the individual. Loneliness evidently increases our risk of serious illness. As she explains, “loneliness raises blood pressure to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled.”
In today's relationships, showing that you care or that you are deeply affected by your close circle is sometimes viewed as being overly dependent. Dr. Johnson debunks this misconception by reintroducing the concept of the dependency paradox, which states that true independence is only possible when we have a strong group of people we can reliably depend on.
After laying the groundwork for understanding how crucial strong and secure attachments are for our survival, Dr. Johnson presents the EFT method in practice through the Seven Conversations on Love. She introduces the Demon Dialogues which are the negative cycles that impede a relationship over time.
She explains that underneath every argument—whether about finances, intimacy, or parenting—lies a deeper need for secure connection. Our fears, insecurities, traumas, and past experiences can trigger harmful patterns that show up in our relationships in different ways. EFT helps us acknowledge the raw emotion of wanting to reconnect with our partner.
Behind acts of neglect, aggression, coldness, overreaction, controlling behavior, or distancing lies a question people often cannot ask directly: “Are you there for me?” Can I trust you? Are you a secure and reliable presence in my life? EFT offers an acronym, A.R.E., which stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement to help couples answer these key questions. A.R.E. conversations help partners move past the Demon Dialogues and recognize each other’s need for closeness.
Love, compassion, and safe, secure relationships are what make life meaningful. They are what people remember on their deathbeds. Our relationships—especially with our closest people—are as important as our jobs, goals, and money, if not more.
We know that loving, compassionate, and tolerant societies emerge from loving, compassionate, and tolerant individuals and families. As Fethullah Gülen Hocaefendi writes in Çağ ve Nesil 1, "society is shaped and directed entirely according to the state and condition of its individual members." To build healthy societies, we must cultivate healthy attachments between parental and familial figures.
Through scientific evidence, client stories, EFT techniques, and accessible writing, this book serves as an introduction to how struggling relationships can be renewed and strengthened and how healthy relationships can be elevated to a new level of quality. It explains what loving relationships should look like: attachments focused on caring and loving in all sense of the words.
Dr. Sue Johnson has passed away since writing this book. The insights she shared continue to guide relationships around the world. Thank you, Dr. Johnson, for bringing such meaningful perspectives to the complex world of love and relationships.
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